Theatre Humour

The Ten Commandments of Theatre

1. The Director is God. Thou shalt not take notes from friends nor family, coaches nor critics.
2. Thou shalt not take the name of thy producer thy angel in vain, for he shall sign thy checks.
3. Remember thou keep holy the half-hour; keep in mind that an actor is never on time, an actor is always early.
4. Honor thy author and thy composer, for in the beginning were the words and the notes.
5. Thou shalt not kill laughs nor step on lines; still, thou shalt pick up thy cues.
6. Thou shalt not adulterate thy performance, for thy stage manager is always watching.
7. Thou shalt not steal scenes nor focus nor props.
8. Thou shalt not bear false witness in thy bio nor résumé; indeed, thou shalt be truthful in thy entire performance.
9. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's lines; for truly, there are no small parts, only small actors.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's good fortune; for in fact, all actors must pay their dues.

The Holy Costume Shop 10 Commandments

1. Thou shalt have no other costume shop in thy heart than the _____ Costume Shop.
2. Remember thy appointment time and keep it holy.  If thou dost not attend thy fittings, thou shalt not complain about thy costume.
3. Honor thy costumer and thy dresser, for by their hands are you made stageworthy.
4. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's costume nor try to change thine own.
5. Thou shalt always wear thine underwear to a fitting and it shall be clean.  (Despite what thy mother hath spoken, holes are okay.  We needest something about which to gossip after thou hast departed.)
6. Do not commit a falsehood and misstate thy measurements or thy weight, for if thy numbers are deceitful, thy costume shalt not fit.
7. Thou shalt not abuse thy costume, wig, or hat; neither shall you sittest upon them.
8. Thou shalt not create thine own accessories unless otherwise instructed by the costumer.
9. Thou shalt not tell thy costumer how to sew, even as thy costumer shalt not tell thee how to sing.
10. Know these commandments as thyself and thou shalt be blessed and not required to pay for costume damage.

Stage Management 10 Commandments

1. Thou shalt not take the stage manager in vain, for without him/her, no spike tape will be placed, nor will cues be given on time.
2. Thou shalt take all notes in pencil, for as surely as the winds blow, so shall the director change his/her mind.
3. Keep reverence for the first performance, for afterwards thou shalt party.
4. Honor thy costume designer, for in being rude, thine costume will become like that of a porcupine.
5. Thou shalt not talk to crew or actors when backstage, for surely both will miss the cue.
6. Thou shalt not walk in the direct path of moving scenery, for surely you shall be crushed.
7. Thou shalt always return thy prop to the proper prop table after its use, or thy prop will not be there for thy next performance.
8. Thou shalt not go on stage after "half-hour" has been called and the House has been opened, for surely the audience will see thee before thy time. Likewise, thou shalt reserve thyself from returning to the stage until the House is clear, but instead go to the Lobby to see thy friends.
9. Thou shalt make haste to be in place when "Places" has been called, for surely the stage manager will tear about in fury till you are there.
10. Thou shalt not miss thy cue or take it before its time.

Techie Commandments

1. Give not unto the actor his props before his time, for as surely as the sun does rise in the East and set in the West, he will lose or break them.
2. When told the placement of props by the Director, write not these things in ink upon thy script for as surely as the winds blow, so shall he change his mind.
3. Speak not in large words to actors, for they are slow of thought and are easily confused.
4. Speak not in the language of the TECHIE to actors, for they are uninitiated, and will not perceive thy meaning.
5. Tap not the head of a nail to drive it, but strike it firmly with thy strength.
6. Keep holy the first performance, for afterwards you shall party.
7. Keep holy the last performance, for afterwards you shall party.
8. Remember always that the TD is never wrong. If appears that he is, then you obviously misunderstood him the first time.
9. Leave not the area of the stage during the play to go and talk with the actors, for as surely as you do, you will be in danger of missing your cue and being summarily executed or worse.
10. Beware of the actors during scene changes, for they are not like unto you and are blind in the dark.
11. Beware of actors when flying in walls, for they will stand and watch and get crushed.
12. Take not thy cues before their time, but wait for the proper moment to do so.
13. Take pity on the actors, for in their roles they are as children, and must be led with gentle kindness. Thus, endeavor to speak softly and not in anger.
14. Listen carefully to the instructions of the Director as to how he wants things done - then do it the right way. In the days of thy work, he will see thy wisdom, give himself the credit, and rejoice.
15. And above all, get carried away not with the glow-tape, or thy stage will be like unto an airport.

WORDS TO THE TECHIES

Theatre Terms

The time that passes between a dropped cue and the next line 

A hand-carried object small enough to be lost by an actor 30 seconds before it is needed on stage 

The individual who suffers from the delusion that he or she is responsible for every moment of brilliance cited by the critic in the local review 

The art of moving actors on the stage in such a manner as not to collide with the walls, the furniture, the orchestra pit or each other. Similar to playing chess, except that the pawns want to argue with you. 

A rehearsal taking place early in the production schedule where actors frantically write down movements which will be nowhere in evidence by opening night 

Any show with which you were directly involved 

Every show with which you were not directly involved 

Rehearsal that becomes a whole new ball game as actors attempt to maneuver among the 49 objects that the set designer added at 7:30 that evening 

The last week of rehearsal when everything that was supposed to be done weeks before finally comes together at the last minute; reaches its grand climax on dress rehearsal night when costumes rip, a dimmer pack catches fire and the director has a nervous breakdown. Also known as hell week. 

An obstacle course which, throughout the rehearsal period, defies the laws of physics by growing smaller week by week while continuing to occupy the same amount of space 

That shining moment when all eyes are focused on a single actor who is desperately aware that if he forgets a line, no one can save him 

The night before opening when no rehearsal is scheduled so the actors and crew can go home and get some well-deserved rest, and instead spend the night staring sleeplessly at the ceiling because they're sure they needed one more rehearsal 

An opportunity for the actor with the smallest role to count everybody else's lines and mention repeatedly that he or she has the smallest part in the show. 

Room shared by nervous actors waiting to go on stage and the precocious children whose actor parents couldn't get a baby-sitter that night, a situation which can result in justifiable homicide 

An area of the stage which the lighting designer has inexplicably forgotten to light, and which has a magnetic attraction for the first-time actor. A dark spot is never evident before opening night. 

Appendages at the end of the arms used for manipulating one's environment, except on a stage, where they grow six times their normal size and either dangle uselessly, fidget nervously, or try to hide in your pockets 

Individual responsible for overseeing the crew, supervising the set changes, baby-sitting the actors and putting the director in a hammerlock to keep him from killing the actor who just decided to turn his walk-on part into a major role by doing magic tricks while he serves the tea 

Individual who, from the only vantage point offering a full view of the stage, gives the stage manager a heart attack by announcing a play-by-play of everything that's going wrong 

(1) among experienced community theater actors, a battered tackle box loaded with at least 10 shades of greasepaint in various stages of desiccation, tubes of lipstick and blush, assorted pencils, bobby pins, braids of crepe hair, liquid latex, old programs, jewelry, break-a-leg greeting cards from past shows, brushes and a handful of half-melted cough drops;

(2) for first-time male actors, a helpless look and anything they can borrow 

Group of individuals who spend their evenings coping with 50-minute stretches of total boredom interspersed with 30-second bursts of mindless panic 

Any play which its director describes as "worthwhile," "a challenge to actors and audience alike," or "designed to make the audience think." Critics will be impressed both by the daring material and the roomy accommodations, since they're likely to have the house all to themselves. 

Any play which requires various states of undress on stage and whose set sports a lot of doors. The lukewarm reviews, all of which feature the phrase "typical community theater fare" in the opening paragraph, are followed paradoxically by a frantic attempt to schedule more performances to accommodate the overflow crowds. 

Individual willing to undertake special projects that nobody else would take on a bet, such as working one-on-one with the brain-dead actor whom the rest of the cast has threatened to take out a contract on. 

Any large piece of furniture which actors will resolutely use as a safety shield between themselves and the audience, in an apparent attempt to both anchor themselves to the floor, thereby avoiding floating off into space, and to keep the audience from seeing that they actually have legs 

The time immediately following the last performance while all cast and crew members are required to stay and dismantle, or watch the two people who own Makita screw drivers dismantle, the set. 

You Know You've Been In The Theatre Too Much When...

•       Your weekend consists of Monday, and only Monday.
•       "Q" is not just a letter.
•       You feel lucky when you get a two-day weekend instead of a three-day weekend
•       You're off when everyone else is working
•       You know more than one theory for the origin of the name "green room."
•       You say "break a leg" to friends en route to job interviews or weddings rather than "good luck."
•       You can only read from a light that is blue.
•       You consider the red part of the stoplight the "standby."
•       You can't remember what daylight looks like.
•       You feel naked without your keys attached to your belt loop, or your belt without your Maglite,  Leatherman and Gerber.
•       95% of your wardrobe is black
•       You watch the Super Bowl waiting for intermission, not half-time
•       You tell more stories of what went wrong on shows you've done than what went smoothly
•       You start wondering what it feels like to be a prop
•       You know anything can be fixed with gaffe tape, Mor-tite, sculpt-er-coast, a sharpie, tie-line and a safety pin.
•       Your diet consists of fast food or microwave food.
•       Your Halloween costume in some way utilizes running blacks and gaffe tape.
•       Varying your diet means ordering the #2 instead of the #3 or eating with your left hand instead of your right
•       You understand the jokes in Forbidden Broadway
•       You insist on spelling "theatre" with an "re" not an "er."
•       People recognize you by the sound of your keys jingling down the hallway.
•       Going to a restaurant means ordering and sitting down in McDonald's rather than the drive through.
•       You'd heard of Mandy Patinkin before he was on "Chicago Hope"
•       "Practical" and "flat" are nouns.
•       Instead of saying that you're leaving, you say you're exiting
•       At home, you "strike" the dishes in your kitchen
•       If someone asks you what time it is, you respond with something like, "Half hour 'til half hour."

The Gospel According to Techies

GENESIS

He would have finished sooner.

Letter to Tech Support